Back?

"Hello there! Are you back?"

No, not yet. I'll take some more time to wake up fully. I've been sleeping for a week now. Feels like such a long time. I haven't done anything: haven't worked, or blogged, or read, or been online, or gossiped, or philosophised, I haven't even listened to music! I've just been wandering through each day trying to reduce it to the least I can get away with. Feeling the numbness of numbness. And it's not like I'm thinking about something either, or that something dramatic has happened, I think that's precisely it: nothing has happened. And that's the motive of the crime. It's so easy to blame my environment for this: not motivating enough I can say, not busy enough, not fulfilling enough, too different from what I want perhaps. But then its too easy saying this. I need something more concrete, I need to find a tougher villain. And so, as usual, I get out my large magnifying glass and put myself under observation. I used to come up with rather extreme conclusions earlier. I would always conclude that the villain was the person holding up the magnifying glass. And that realisation would take away all hope. H. kind of cured me of that. But although I manage to avoid the conclusions, I'm still left with the reality of a numb week. And a lingering feeling of disappointment. And the funny thing is, I think all I needed was to talk it over. Just one long call would have done the job. But then, I always push away the solution when I most need it. :) It'amazing how hard it is to forgive ourselves and how often it is some kind of forgiveness that we seek from a friend. We know our faults, the mistakes that we make and we need the reassurance when someone listens, we need the kindness, because we deny it to ourselves perhaps. Thanks H. and M. and sir of course. :)